kjoyce4It’s been a little over three months since I left my job, and for a lot of that time, I’ve felt like I’m moving in slow motion. I’ve been doing the same odd jobs for a month now and while I’m making money, I feel like I’m just wasting time before the next big adventure.
It wasn’t until this week that I realized the personal growth I’ve gone through counts as progress, even if I can’t quantify it. I’ve been listening to podcasts while I watch dogs and I’ve been spending about 3 hours a day watching dogs. That’s added up to a lot of podcasts.
I got into journalism because I love hearing people’s stories and sharing their passion with the world, but through my years in news, I got away from that.
While listening to episode after episode of conversations with songwriters and van lifers and journalists and food scientists, I’ve found they all have passions and motivations, and their stories are exactly what I need to hear as I’m standing in the cold playing fetch.
What these stories have reinforced is this feeling I’ve had for the past few weeks that everything is coming together. It’s a frustrating feeling because I know other people around me don’t see it. I still have a million unanswered questions about what I want in my life, but I also have dozens of answers I’m still afraid to articulate.
When I quit my job, the plan I told everyone, including myself, was that I’d apply for grad school, jump right in and come out with a different career. And don’t get me wrong, I want to go to grad school and study nutrition, and share stories about food and science and the politics around what we eat, but that’s not what I want to do right now.
Right now, I want to travel and go on adventures and write about it. I want to hike the Long Trail this summer, and when I get back, I want to pack up my car and travel across the country until I can’t handle another day on the road. Whether that’s one month or thirteen, I don’t know, but I’m willing to find out.
As I’ve flowed through this space of in between, I’ve noticed there are two kinds of people, those who are ok with some level of uncertainty and those who aren’t. My mom and I discussed this during a Saturday afternoon of painting the house I’m helping my dad flip. I told her, worst case scenario, I’d find a corporate job and save enough money until I could afford to quit. Again. She told me that for my dad and for her too, that sounded like the best case scenario.
Maybe it’s because I’m young and don’t have the same pressures and financial responsibilities they do, but I’m perfectly content making just enough to pay my bills and buy Chloe’s dog food. I can worry about the future later, and live for the moment.
I’ve never felt like life has moved slower than it is right now, and I love it. Taking each day as an opportunity to learn a new skill or work on a new project has made me appreciate the small accomplishments. I don’t feel like I’m wasting a weekend by spending hours reading books. My time is mine to spend and not on someone else’s clock, some made up timeline of semesters and school years and contracts.
I could wax poetic about time and my thoughts on society for hours, but the reason I felt so compelled to pinpoint this particular feeling is that I’ve felt myself being pulled along someone else’s timeline for successes that weren’t mine for a while now, and while uncertainty still scares me, living in a state of unknown has pushed me to become comfortable with writing my own story, even if it makes other people uncomfortable.
